Type out a descriptive paragraph about a certain map/zone you would like to see

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Type out a descriptive paragraph about a certain map/zone you would like to see

Post  ninthlite on Mon Sep 12, 2011 4:03 am

It can be any Pov, please no actual characters in MS story.
Such as:
Feeling the grip of his trusty fire augmented pick axe. He put all his strength into his already burdened muscles to use his skill *Power Swing*. Feeling satisfied as the bandit fell to the ground. He stood straight and looked into the valley, a colorful array of green and brown. Trees as far as the eye could see, the hills rising out of the valley were covered with plants and dangerous looking cliffs. Barely able to tear his eyes away from the serene beauty, he continued walking up the mountain. Covered with dust and sweat, trees and shrubs on both sides of the trail. He would explore the valley, right after he mined the rumored precious minerals on top of the mountain.

Sorry for being a bad writer just wanted to give a example.

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Re: Type out a descriptive paragraph about a certain map/zone you would like to see

Post  evertosword on Mon Sep 12, 2011 7:48 pm

ninthlite wrote:It can be any Pov, please no actual characters in MS story.
Such as:
1.Feeling the grip of his trusty fire augmented pick axe. He put all his strength into his already burdened muscles to use his skill *Power Swing*. 2.Feeling satisfied as the bandit fell to the ground. 3.He stood straight and 3.looked into the valley, a colorful array of green and brown. 4.Trees as far as the eye could see, the 5. hills rising out of the valley were covered with plants and dangerous looking cliffs. 6.Barely able to tear his eyes away from the serene beauty, he continued walking up the mountain. 7.Covered with dust and sweat, trees and shrubs on both sides of the trail. He would explore the valley, right after he mined the rumored precious minerals on top of the mountain.

Sorry for being a bad writer just wanted to give a example.

You're not a bad writer, although you do have some mistakes. But overall its a great description of a green lush valley with hills and one mountain being silvery white. ++

1. The first sentence is a run-on fragment. You can combine the first and second sentence together.
2. Guess. Most likely you're going for something like this: He felt satisfied as the bandit fell to the ground.
3. You used the wrong proposition. Your probably looking for the word through or at. Then later on you write, " valley, a colorful array...". If you take out the preposition phrase, you'll see it.
looked through the valley, a colorful array of green and brown.
There is a run-on fragment there. You can correct this in multiple ways. You can write valley, which were a colorful... You can write, valley, seeing a colorful... etc.
4. This is a weird sentence. The first part there is a run-on fragment. You discuss trees - the subject - but these trees don't have a - verb -

Trees, as far as the eye could see, the hills rising out of the
I suggest you separate these sentences. "As far as the eye could see" is a non-restrictive clause. They are separated by commas on both sides unless they start a sentence.

For example: Kevin, a master of seven different martial arts, was able to easily put down the bank robbers.
So I can just take out a master of seven different martial arts and the sentence will be still correct.

Keven was able to easily put down the bank robbers.

So if you remove that non-restrictive clause for a moment, you have Trees, the hills rising out of the...
This makes absolutely no sense.

5. Here it seems like you want to make two clauses. You can do multiple edits to this and each will have a slightly different meaning, but I'll just type the one that you most likely mean.

Hills, which rose out of the valley, were covered with plants and sharp, steep cliffs
--Verdant means green lush etc.--
--Russet means redish brown --
These are good words to describe scenery.

6. It's not an error, but the transition is poor. I don't feel the connection between the two clauses. I suppose it works better if you write: Barely able to tear his eyes away from the serene beauty, he stopped admiring the landscape and continued walking up the mountain.

7. It's a run-on fragment. It also makes it seem like the trees and shrubs sweat. Covered with dust and sweat, he walked along the trail, taking notice of trees and shrubs on either side.

Hope this is helpful. Since I know I'm no grammar professor, I would gladly take criticism. If you notice any errors I'd made, please point it out.

Whoops I got mixed up with Run-ons and fragments.

Fragments are phrases or clauses that fail to express a complete thought.
Run-ons have complete thoughts but don't have the correct punctuation.
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Re: Type out a descriptive paragraph about a certain map/zone you would like to see

Post  ninthlite on Thu Sep 15, 2011 4:14 am

/: years of iternet speek have lowered my language ability. anyway i just wrote it as a sort of example to show what i meant.

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Re: Type out a descriptive paragraph about a certain map/zone you would like to see

Post  evertosword on Thu Sep 15, 2011 4:24 pm

No worries. I find myself doing that as well. That is why I refrain from typing "u" instead of "you" or "r" instead of "are. It's also best if you try to use the correct punctuation and grammar even when you talk informally. In a sense, by learning Internet shortcuts, you're teaching yourself the wrong grammar and spelling and whatnot.
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Re: Type out a descriptive paragraph about a certain map/zone you would like to see

Post  ninthlite on Thu Oct 06, 2011 9:51 pm

don't you just love how no one has written out a paragraph; besides me of course.

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Re: Type out a descriptive paragraph about a certain map/zone you would like to see

Post  Calan on Fri Oct 07, 2011 6:02 am

ninthlite wrote:don't you just love how no one has written out a paragraph; besides me of course.

The miner struggled against the bounty of fog before him. He could neither sense direction nor watch his own feet. At last the frosty mist hid behind him, its chill seeming to grow colder upon witnessing the scene ahead. The miner walked up to the structure - a temple made of the darkest onyx. The building was a Corinthian Order containing a pediment filled with statues of the undead. The strangest part of the image was the lady in the middle of the skeletons; though one would assume a psychopomp to stand in the maiden's place, devouring souls on its way down Hell's Delta, there was instead a maiden indeed - diamonds and gold represented her brilliance as colorful plants surrounded her and grew even onto the crushed skeletons.

Who was this beauty? Did all those men die trying to seek her out? The miner felt the lump of fear in his throat and knew that only danger could lay ahead. However, his resolve was set. Gripping his pickaxe with great strength, the man forced his legs forward and into the temple.
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